Who Are You?

Tell me about yourself.

What's your usual response to this question? It may be how old you are or what you do for a living, which may give me an idea of your social status (based on job and possible income) but very little about who you really are. Your response may be generic. We may not have given much thought your 'social resume'. Often, the things most prevelent and most important to us come blurting out of our mouth. Based on the feedback you receive from such blurting may lead you to us tweaking what you say or reinforcing certain elements. Whilst this is completely understandable, there's a real danger in doing so. Effectively, the way you speak about yourself may be  largely directed by the way others perceive you. This ties in nicely with the fact that we are social creatures and belonging to a 'pack' is genetically coded into us. Once upon a time, to be shunned by our pack would almost certainly lead to death, through starvation or being killed by another tribe.

Carl Jung once said, "The world will ask you who you are; if you don't know, the world will tell you."

I find this a frightening thought but I believe Dr Jung is right. Most of us go through life believing what others say about us, even if it's detrimental to our long term well being. It's understandable. As children we soak up everything our parents tell us about good and bad, right and wrong, and we need to. There's too much 'stuff' to navigate through. We need a short cut of a loving parent to give us some structure to work around.

The problem is that even the most loving, well-meaning parents are often wrong, or they tell things they believe in that moment, but may change their mind at a later date, but the child may absorb that belief as truth. At some stage of adolescence and adulthood, we benefit from self-reflection.

When I think about who I am, I break up my response into 3 sections- past, present and future. I call it my 'Rant' and it goes like this...

My name is Anthony Spark. Loved son of Stuart and Dee, Step son to David and Bron, brother to Jamie, Nick and Sarah, Proud father of Jay, Carly and Dylan, loving husband to Andrea and engaged family member to a beautiful extended family. I'm a proud volunteer at Lifeline, a committed Toastmaster, a surfer, ocean swimmer and health conscious active adult. I'm an excited business builder, passionate speaker and potentially fabulous grandparent.

I use a combination of different formats that I've heard about from others. Firstly, The Lion King- Musafa's powerful message to his son, Simba, 'Remember who you are'. This is to remind Simba of where he came from. I remind myself of my past. The first couple of lines of my rant is where I talk to myself about 'Remembering who I am.'  Fortunately I was blessed with loving parents who separated and married loving step-parents. Not everyone grows up in that environment. It's okay to acknowledge that your childhood wasn't ideal, if that was your circumstance. You can acknowledge abuse, poverty, addiction and whatever else happened to you. You may not know who your parents are, and whilst that may be painful, it's not debilitating. As long as you don't label yourself in a way that closes off opportunities for your present and your future. In Enimen's song 'Lose Yourself' he talks about "I've been chewed up and spit out out and booed off stage, But I kept rhymin' and stepped right in the next cypher". He turned his unfortunate history into motivation for a better future. This is known as the Hero's Journey and is part of every Disney (and many other) movie plots. The unlikely hero was downtrodden and nobody believed in him/her. Then, they rose up, conquered their fear, faced adversity and ... something good happened. This is available to anyone who chooses it. I'm not suggesting Beauty will fall in love love with you, kiss you and you turn from being a Beast into a handsome Prince. But good things are possible in the future, if you allow the space for them to be available. When we're committed to our story and closed off to possibility, nothing good can happen, cause we can't even see it when it shows up. Have you ever noticed when you're in a good mood more people drive their cars better, but when you're grumpy every other driver is an idiot?

Russell Crowes' character Maximus in the movie Gladiator, talks about his past, present and future to the evil Emperor in his academy award winning performance. It's incredibly powerful to make this type of statement. You don't need to have had your family murdered by the Emperor of Rome to write your rant. My middle section reminds me of what I'm doing now. Regardless of what my past looks like, I get to choose my present. 

Lastly, Napoleon Hill wrote a book called, 'Think and Grow Rich'. Not a particularly humble title but one of the steps in his formula is writing down your desires and reading them aloud twice a day. I mention the things important to me in the future in the last line of my rant. I'm excited about building this business and I do love speaking to groups of people. At this stage I'm not a grandparent but when they come, I'll be ready. My future is not determined by my past or my present. It's aspirational, something to work towards. When I keep reminding myself how much pride I take in running my business, it keeps me motivated when I'm feeling flat.

You may also note some of the things I refer to in my rant. I haven't included anything about money or title, not there's anything wrong with either. It's about the immaterial things most important to me. Firstly, relationships with others, then my relationships with myself and lastly hopes moving forward. Not long ago, I would have mentioned my bitterness about broken relationships. I was angry for quite a while but my anger didn't lead to a better quality of life. As hard as it was, letting go of the previous attachments and bitterness has helped me open up to new opportunities and relationships.  

My suggestion is to write your own rant (call it whatever you want) and remind yourself who you are. There are so many aspects to our lives that we don't get to choose. You can't choose your parents, what country you were born in, the current economy or what the weather is doing today. We have so little control over so many things. The things we can control or at least contribute towards, we should. When I remind myself I'm a surfer or health conscious active adult, I'm reminded to check the surf or make better food choices. 

Your version of your rant is not fixed. You can update it as many times as you like, and you should. Your life will change, your goals will change and you may even re-frame how you see past mistakes or failures and refer to them as 'glitches' or 'learning opportunities'.

When the world asks who you are, you had better have a good answer.